Lord Malcolm Dictates a Letter

29 January, 2014

A dictation taken by a house servant to 

the Good People of the Land of Hagg

My Dearest People of Hagg,

I write to you in a long awaited response to the malignment of my good name.  It has long been advertised by some that I am hard to please, hard to deal with on a personal level and hard to control.  I am here, today, to tell you my side of this untruthful (in my view) tale.  As the budgets for running the Palace are tight in our troubled times, I have let my Royal Secretary take a very long leave.  Therefore, I am dictating these words to the underling who cleans the Palace and sometimes helps out in the Royal Kitchens.  I fear she is not the best choice, but alas, I must speak out against the malicious lies that have arisen concerning my personage.

For low these many months and yea, even years;  you have been told that I do not get on well with others of my race.  To this, I say "Pish-taw"!  I have proven again and again that if I am put in a position of feeling safe and secure, (and especially if there is some deliciously yummy morsel available to me), I do not even look at others of my race, but ignore them completely!  I recently went on an excursion where I proved that over and over again.  A large unknown canine was brought over to sit so close to me that I could do anything I wished to him.  And I wished only to taste that yummy morsel of goodness that was offered.  Then a smaller version was brought in.  I showed no malice toward him either.  I even left that place and went to a big open store full of nice smelling and pleasant foods and other unknown canines.  I layed down on the cool floor and ignored them to the point that the Commoners, who happened to be there, noticed me and came to tell me how absolutely wonderful I was.   I tell you now, that I am not the monster some have made me out to be.

I also would like to say that I seem to be unfortunately blamed for causing trouble within the Palace walls.  I seem to be blamed for eating things I shouldn't.  Let me tell you, Good People;  if you found a half of a beautifully roasted leg of lamb on the floor, would you not pick it up?  I say you would!  As did I!  I see nothing out of the ordinary in that!  And when asked where I was going with it, I put it back on the floor for the cleaning lady to deal with it.

More so, when visitors come to view the Palace (as they often do--it is a grand place);  Some would have you believe that I foam at the mouth with insane growling and barking.  Nothing of the sort!  I am a perfect gentleman while milady McKenzie screams and jumps and pounces on top of me in some sort of frenzied panic.  Someone has to control her so that our guests can be greeted properly.  So I take that on myself and put an end to her ridiculous behavior.  I surely can not be blamed for that.

Just the other day, some old friends from our last Palace came by to visit.  I had known them before.  They were members of my Dog Club.  They arrived and took a grand tour.  During their visit, having known all of us in our younger days, they made these very comments, and I quote:

"Brenda, where are your dogs?  What has happened to them?  Look how good these dogs are being"!  

And turning to each other exclaimed, "Do your dogs act this well behaved when people come over"?

"No.  I have to put mine in a kennel or they attack".  

"So do I.  They go crazy"!

"Brenda, how'd you train this"?

Now, I ask you, does that sound like I am out of control?  I think not.  And I'm tired of hearing the malicious rumors continually being thrown out to you, concerning me.  I'm glad to have this opportunity to tell you thus. You must make up your own mind as to who is exaggerating the Truth.  I tell you now, it is not me!

Your Faithful and Handsome,

Lord Malcolm, Chamberlain