Monday, July 28, 2014

A Separation of Chamberlains and Other Comings and Goings at the Palace

 It has not gone beyond my notice that the Palace has suffered to some not insignificant degree in the current economic instability of our Dukedom of Hagg.  This of course, is in large part due to the domestic policies set forth by the current King and Queen.  HisRoyalHeiny, King Hogan
of MO and All the various Dukedoms within it's vast territory, including the Land of Hagg,  has been forced by his Queen, Barbara of Argyle, to put in place policies that greatly benefit her heirs and relatives while leaving the rest of the Kingdom in a royal shamble, as it were.  The King is completely and utterly useless and wholly without power when faced by the ravishing beauty of his Bride, Queen B.  
King Hogan and Queen B

Using the 'trickle down' theory of economics, there is, therefore, bloody little left for the rest of us.  I make this statement only with regard to your understanding of Our sense of responsibility to our dear subjects;  that, of course, being you.  We took (under duress) drastic measure to dis-employ our Press Secretary (thus leaving this blog and ultimately the Good People of the Land of Hagg in utter silence for the past some weeks) and that responsibility, along with many other important duties, have been temporarily heaped upon the one person we found we could not carry on without.  Therefore, our Mopping Up Woman has kept her original duties and we have added to them that of Press Secretary, Royal Chef in charge of all state dinners, Guardian, Liaison to the much beloved (if not incompetent) Royal Highnesses, Diplomat in charge of foreign affairs, Librarian, Exercise Instructor, Physical Therapist, Body Guard and all round Companion to Our Royal Personages.  The strain of  implementing all of these responsibilities has left our dear Mopping Up Woman a wee bit crabby and tired and we daren't confront her for her lack of enthusiasm as Press Secretary lest she fall short with us and leave us much in a lurch.  With all this in mind, we were right glad when she announced that she would be making a public statement regarding the State of Our Dukedom.  We beg the Good People of Hagg, our Subjects, to take this news with compassion and understanding that the Mopping Up Woman is unaccustomed to Public speaking and will be telling the tale to the best of her meager ability.  We humbly beg your understanding in this most urgent matter, Good People and as soon as circumstances allow, rest assured, we will take on a new Press Secretary who is more qualified to string two words together and make a sentence than our dutiful and dear if not uneducated Mopping Up Woman.

These things we humbly implore.

~Nessie the Monster, Duchess of Hagg
~Lord Malcolm, Chamberlain
~Lady McKenzie, Chamberlain absentia

Dear People Good People of Hagg,  {in a sort of lower Cockney accent}

I, the Mopping Up Woman to their Royal Pains in the Arse  er, Majesties, have been given the duty (one among countless) to provide you with information regarding the Royal Duchess and her two spoiled worthless beloved Chamberlains.  Please excuse my penmanship as I seldom have access to quill and paper.........The ink splotches are inevitable.  "NOOOO, My Lord Malcolm!  IN-Evitable.  Not Edible!"  Bloody dog!

First, let me explain about that Duchess.....

You know, I've worked for her for some 11 1/2 years and I worked for the Duke before her demanding bossy cranky loving presence was known to the Duke.  When she came to the Palace, she was wild unruly uneducated beautiful and loving toward the Duke and all the staff of the Palace of Hagg.  WishBone, Duke of Hagg was 'smitten' in no time and elevated her to be his Duchess which, quite frankly, made a lot of work for me.  So I had to see to her education and eventually she did become quite the Lady of the Palace.  All the Good People have loved her lowe these many years and I, even I have grown very fond of her for she is a warm and loving woman with great wisdom for her advanced years.  Truth be told, that even though she claims to need me;  I need her more.  I realize that I would be owner of the Palace nothing without her......
WishBone, Duke of Hagg and his new Duchess, Nessie the Monster

Advanced in years though she is, she is beginning to suffer loss of control of her once beautiful body.  I believe that you must know that she has a disease called Degenerative Myelopathy--a breakdown of the sheath lining of the nerves in the spinal cord.  Her back legs have completely lost stability, though, with help, she can still stand. She is using her 'Hound Around' wheels now to stand and eat and to go to the Water Closet.  She balked at the wheels for as long as she could and still feels quite beside herself and appalled that she must use them now.  She is a very proud person and has proved to be quite the pain in the butt in her old age.  While learning how to use the cart, she simply would stand there and refuse to move for what seemed like hours.  I used tea and crumpets to lure her hither and thither and she certainly can use the durned thing because when she went on a recent tour of the outer regions of the Dukedom, she was scooting all over the place like nobody's business.  She is simply stubborn cranky proud.  Well, so she has to use it now for eating, drinking, walking -- she can still drag herself along thus explaining her adamant complaints when forced to use the wheels-- and using the er, ahem, facilities.  I must say that it was quite a celebration the first time she was able to uh, er, number 2 while still in the cart.  As it turns out, if she has to go badly enough and I ignore her long enough, she will go and take care of business.  I rue the day that she begins to get even worse.  Dogs loose control in their back legs first but the disease slowly moves up the spine and eventually they become completely paralyzed, even losing their bark voice.

Do to the obvious handicap of Duchess's current condition, Their Royal Heinies Logan and Barbie found it necessary to send one Chamberlains along with the Royal Driver (of course they have retained the driver even in these hard times) to the most northern region of the Kingdom.  There have been many rumors of an uprising in this region and many of the Kingdom's fine relatives are dying.  It was quite necessary to send someone to quell the violence and to visit with those who remain;  to cheer them and to make our Royal Presence known to them, thus giving them courage to continue on the good fight.  So Lady McKenzie was chosen to take this adventure and has been gone for at least 2 weeks.  She has done a good job to bring many mercies and much laughter to the upper portion of the Kingdom and word has gotten back that she has been seen swimming and boating and walking amongst the crowds of People pressing upon her. She has commissioned a local artist to erect a statue to our beloved Duchess and has overseen it's completion.
Nessie the Monster--a stone sculpture in Grand Rapids Zoo, MI.

She has shown much courage and has thoroughly enjoyed the hospitality of the Uppers as they are called in the region of Michigan.  Some think she is getting a big fat head and thinking of herself as the Duchess rather than a lowly Chamberlain. I certainly think she takes advantage.

Lord Malcolm has truly enjoyed his time away from his hysterical sister.  I think he quite likes taking care of the Duchess and has shown much affection toward me even though I a no-but a Mopping Up Woman.  At first, he was quite lonely, I think, but has certainly come out of his shell and has been taking long (very long) walks every morning to visit the tenants who live small distances away from the Palace proper.  He enjoys talking with them and especially the donkeys, cows, horses and even the bulls.  They all love him so very much and are so excited to see his Royal Wiggle-Butt Presence that they run to the fences (yes, we have to use fences to keep them back and protect our Royal Idiot Chamberlain from such largess of muscle and attention.  No one knows which might be crazy and actually try to disembowel our Lord Chamberlain).  Lord Malcolm has also been sent on many mundane errands in order to keep the Palace in running order as he has also cut back on his staff.  Of course, that means that I am also doing all of His bloody work!  Recently, he met many people and other animals at the local PetsMart.  He totally entertained them with  his charm by playing a game of  "if you will bloody get out the Jeep, I'll reward you by letting you get back in".  So out and back in.  Out and back in.  Out and back in.  The People were watching and smiling and murmuring as we did this game for over 30 minutes in the parking lot.  Lord Malcolm felt that this put the Good People at ease and much more comfortable with his drooly cowardly nervous panicked awesome presence.  Soon (not bloody soon enough for me), they were all comfortable enough for His Lordship to enter the building.  Lord Malcolm has definitely gained much in confidence and courage and is more and more relying on his body guards (yes.  that's me too)-- having gained a beautiful trust between him and them--to protect him from danger.  Much has been accomplished in the last year and especially in the last 2 weeks while Lady Sister has been away.  I may be just the Mopping Up Woman to them Royal Butt Heids, but I'm a damned good 'un to keep around. They wouldn't be Royal or otherwise were it not for me.  Granted, they do pay me well and give me a corner of the bed to sleep on.  They are very demanding, especially now, of my time and effort and I ain't gettin' much younger myself, but I have to admit that I have grown to love them like my own and couldn't be able to carry on without their bloody whining and complaining and all of their coming in and going out all day.  They are rich enough, even in these times.  They should 'a put in a bloody revolving door, mind.  Aye?

A Nose Off 'twixt the Duchess and Lord Malcolm

Thank you for your patience in awaiting the latest news from the Palace and for reading this rambling.  We hope that you find it informative and well as entertaining.  Our main hope is that you become aware of the many health issues and training problems that plague our precious babies and that you use your new-found knowledge to do your best to prevent them, help them to overcome and learn better training techniques so that you and your beautiful Boxers can live a long, happy and peaceful life together.  All dogs, no matter their age, should be tested for DM.  It is a simple swab of the mouth that you can do at home.  You must breed responsibly.  In most cases, to me, that means don't breed at all.  Back yard breeding and Puppy Mill breeding should never happen.  There are too many dogs abandoned and turned over to shelters because of people who don't know what they are doing and who have not done their due diligence to research the qualities of a breed.  (I was just called the other day and someone told me they had no idea a Boxer puppy would have that much energy.  Did I know someone who could take this dog off their hands?) Do  not breed your pet just because you love them so much and want another one just like it.  The puppy is guaranteed not to be like your original pet.  They all have a different personality.  Choose from a shelter and save a life.  But if you DO breed, do the DNA tests first, and breed to the benefit the breed standard.  If you don't understand science, don't breed.  You may order your DM test and other tests from The Orthopedic Foundation for Animals.  

I took the liberty of naming King Hogan and Queen Barbie who are friends of mine.  I used a picture of the back of their heads.  It is not MY picture but belongs to +Amber Watson.  The name of their town has been changed to protect the innocent.