Sunday, March 10, 2013

Suffering the Indignity of the Royal Baths

Royalty  (roi-uhl-tee)  noun
Character or quality proper to or befitting a sovereign;  nobility.
Suffering (suhf-er-ing)  noun
The state of a person or thing that suffers.
Indignity (in-dig-ni-tee)  noun
An injury to a person's dignity;  slighting or contemptuous treatment;  humiliating affront insult, or injury.

An excerpt from the Royal Diary of Nessie the Monster, Duchess of Hagg

Dear Diary,

Some days it seems that Life dictates to me rather than the proper way 'round, which would be me dictating how m'life should be.   From a Commoners viewpoint, I can easily see how one would imagine that life as a Royal Duchess would always be a grand affair.  Commoners often dream of becoming a Royal.  Of course, that simply isn't possible.  One is Royal by birth.  It is our gift bestowed upon us by God Himself.  A Commoner simply could never ever become Royal.  Indeed.  But I digress as I, being elderly, am sometimes wont to do.  My point is that some days, the Commoners who have been employed at the Palace of Hagg to take care of mundane day to day business which is, quite frankly, beneath the dignity of a Royal with the status such as myself,  do take it upon themselves to overstep the bounds of their perceived servitude.  I dare say that yesterday they undertook to demand that We must bathe.  Bathe?  I shall dictate when to bathe.  And I say never.  Not ever shall the Chamberlains and I step into that torture chamber.  We do not walk on wet pavement.  We do not walk (Heavens Forbid) on wet grass.  We certainly forbid entering into a Chamber that leaks water and of which there is no escape!  









But we were forced.  Yes.  I said we were forced to enter and we were indeed held captive and made to suffer through much abuse from the bare hands of a Commoner!  A Commoner, I dare say!  How on Earth did such a man find entry into the Palace in the first place?  I must speak with the Chamberlains that they should be more careful of whom they hire.  We were wetted from nose to tail and polished with some strange smelling bubbles.  And if that weren't enough, we were then subjected to the rubbing over of every part of our bodies, privies and all.  Then that woman took over and rubbed our bodies with giant pieces of common cloth.  She then stuck something in our ears.  Humph.  I have never been so mortified.  Our captivity was finally ended and we were allowed to exit that small room where this torture took place.  I must say that it was quite an ordeal and I now smell sweet which is entirely repulsive to me.  I have instructed the Chamberlains to report this abuse to the authorities;  which they did.  But being Commoners themselves the authorities have yet to make their presence before me.  I shall have to succumb to the fact that they are jealous of the Royal status given us by God Himself.  I may have to inflict some Medieval punishments upon these servants as I am spitting angry.  But alas, I am Royal.  Therefore it is my nature to forgive, so I must.    There will come a day to be sure, that the Chamberlains will be required to submit evidence of our neglect to Parliament.  These pictures will be handy here in my Diary til then.

2 comments:

Casey said...

The horror!! I can't believe you had to go through something like that. I'm sure the police will act real soon. That kind of thing can't be allowed.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious Brenda lol
Awesome dogs